I think things are getting out of hand (or: "I am literally always on the brink of tears. Send help.")

It's been one of those weeks. The days went by in a dull, uninspiring blur; school was suffocating me; I felt like I had no direction in life; I thought my image needed a serious revamp and I was generally feeling very "bleh."

I went from having the urge to go out and get new piercings and buy new clothes, to researching how to make virtual vision boards, to crying about the state of my life in the space of three days. I often feel like I need to change my look or revisit my list of life goals, and I usually get over that feeling after a day or two. This time was different: it's the crying that caught me off guard.

On Friday morning, I didn't want to get up after the second alarm. When I finally pulled back the comforter, sat up and stretched, I thought 'I don't want to do this', and lay back down. With my eyes closed, I thought of everything I had to do that day: follow up on emails, go to the bank to make a deposit, call the tailor... and it just made me even more tired. Next thing I knew, hot tears sprang into my eyes. I wiped them away, but as I started to think about why my to-do list was making me feel this way, tears started streaming down my face and soon I was sobbing.

On my bed, on a sunny Friday morning, I was sobbing because it felt like too much was happening and I couldn't handle it. I thought 'you should really relax. It's not a big deal,' but that just made things worse because my next thought was 'this is how I feel right now. It is a big deal.'
Why do I feel like I always have to "get over it" when I'm struggling with something? Why do I always think that I'm being unreasonable, because "other people have bigger problems"?

This idea that I should be able to handle stuff - school work, social interactions, general emotions - without help, without "burdening" others with my needs, is something that I have been struggling with for years. I didn't know it back in high school, but now that I'm having to go for job interviews and work towards an advanced degree and just generally demonstrate that I am a functioning well-adjusted adult,  I'm finding out that maybe I'm not. Functioning and well-adjusted, that is.

I'm the type of adult who often waits until a second or third alarm before getting out of bed. I don't have any interest in meeting new people or making friends. I am aware that I need a job but the prospect of going to interviews - even just the thought of submitting a CV - makes me incredibly anxious. I see the future, but it doesn't look like any of it is for me.
I'm the type of adult who lies in bed sobbing about going to the bank.

I worry about everything all of the time, and I don't know how to stop. I think it's time to call a professional, but that would be me needing help and burdening others with my needs...

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